Empty

For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. 1 Peter 1:18 (NLT)

Yesterday was a hard day.  Not because I faced major challenges or impossible circumstances.  It was hard just because. 

It’s hard being a mom.  It’s hard taking care of everybody all the time.  It’s hard being patient, when I feel as if every ounce of the patience I wake with gets sucked up before 8:00 am.  I love my kids so very much, but sometimes I have nothing left to give at the end of the day.  I know, I know.  It’s the age.  I know, I know.  It will get easier.  I know. 

But today I need to be able to say, “This is hard!”

When Cody walked in through the door after work, I know my eyes said it all.  I gave him a quick kiss and said, “I’ve got to catch my breath, so I’m leaving.”  I told him I was going to the bank, and my heart went out to him when he asked me in all honesty, “But you are coming back, right?”  I knew what that meant…. Are you leaving me to do dinner, baths, and bedtime all by myself?  I assured him that I just needed some quiet which I thought I could find inside the safety of the truck, with nothing but silence and lots and lots of deep breaths.

I decided to run by the bank before closing time, swing by the bookstore, then head home.  What I did not expect was all the traffic and the incredibly long line at the bank when I am used to driving right up.  Then there was my conversation with the girl at the checkout counter at the bookstore.

I love browsing through the bookstore, carefully making my selection, listening to the calming music playing in the background, but once I’ve committed to my purchase, I am ready to go.  I just wanted to pay for my book and drive home.  I know this girl was just doing her job, and she had no idea how exhausted I was from doing my job all day long.  I know, I know.  I know. 

When asked if I wanted to purchase a discount card, I politely said, “No, thanks.”  When asked again, in a second, more persuading attempt, I once more declined.  When asked for a reason, I simply shared that I had already purchased a card in the past and discovered I did not use it enough to cover the cost.  Then I was asked if I would like to pre-order a DVD set in order to save $10.  When I again declined, a second attempt was made.  Again, I said, “No, thank you.”  

After swiping my card, I was presented with an offer of my choice of a free magazine subscription.  At this point, I think I said something like, “I’m good.  Thanks.”  Just as we were wrapping up the transaction, and I was handed my receipt (which I honestly thought I’d never have my hands on), I was asked, very politely, to go online and fill out a survey so that I could earn more savings. Even if I had a spare moment to fill out a survey online, I promise you I would have to be honest about the migraine I left with after the twenty questions I was asked before swiping my credit card!  I managed to hold it together without letting my frustration explode, but I assure you this:  I walked out of that store without a scrap of patience left!  The very place that I was running to in an effort to regain sanity ended up sucking me completely dry.  As I walked back to the truck and thought about all the traffic I’d sit in on my way back home, I just wanted to cry! 

I called my mom on the way home, in an attempt to turn around my mood.  We visited for a bit, then all of a sudden, she started screaming.  I had no idea what was happening and neither did she, so I pulled the truck to the side of the road.  My heart was pounding as I considered what was taking place all those miles away.  An hour later, after several phone calls from me to my dad, then back to my mom, and one to the fire department, we learned that my parents’ house was struck by lightning.  My mom, standing twenty feet from where it hit, was halfway out the door, trying to get the dog to go outside, when the house started shaking and sparks started flying.  Relief ran over me when I was told that everybody was fine, there was no fire, and only major appliances were lost.  But when I got home, I was shaking.  I was frazzled.  I felt worse than when I left. 

* * * * *

This morning I was reminded of something so fresh.  While watching Jake and Lilly play at the kitchen table, God whispered into my soul, reminding me of the place I can run to when I’m empty. His arms.

One of Jake’s favorite toys is an empty apple juice bottle.  This morning he and Lilly sat next to each other at the table, sharing teacups full of pretend juice.  Lilly would say, “More, please,” holding out her cup, and Jake, over and over again, would fill it up.  She’d say, “Thank you,” in a sing-song way, take a big sip, and follow with a dramatic, “Mmmmmmmmm!”  This continued for the better part of half an hour.  I couldn’t get over how sweet they were being to each other, so I grabbed the camera, if for nothing else, to at least have some documentation of sibling love.  The background music of my life these days is filled with a chorus of ‘no-no’ and ‘mine,’ so the sound of laughter and kisses being exchanged is certainly a melody I tune in to.  

Somewhere in the middle of snapping these photos, I realized that I am that person, holding out my cup asking for more.  But so often, when I lift that cup to my mouth and drink, it’s empty.  I keep going back, over and over, asking for it again and again, but I am never satisfied.  I could sit there at that kitchen table all day saying, “More, please. More, please.”  And it would never be enough.  I may think I’m being filled, but at the end of the day, I’d still be empty.

Jesus replied, "If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water." John 4:10 (NLT)

Jesus is Living Water.  He can satisfy the thirst in me that will always remain as long as I try to quench it with something other than Him.  Last week, my husband prayed a prayer over me that reminded me of what it means to be filled. He asked God to take away from my heart fear, doubt, and uncertainty, but before ending that prayer, he asked that those empty places be filled with love, confidence, and strength.  Not only is God is able to take away all that is dragging me to the floor and causing me to grow weary, but, He also has what I want to be filed with instead: love, kindness, peace, and patience.  Oh, yes… patience! That is something I need a daily dose of at this stage of my life! 

I love the fact that in John chapter 7, Jesus speaks of rivers of living water that flow from the hearts of all who believe. (See John 7:38 NLT)  Living water, found in relationship with Him, is what our souls are really longing for, and the only thing that can truly satisfy.  If you picture a river, though, it is moving and flowing.  So what is poured into our hearts must make its way out in our words, actions, and relationships.  When there is nothing but emptiness inside, it is impossible for anything to flow out of that place.  Emptiness alone is useless.  But when we allow God to empty us of all that gets in the way, He is faithful to fill us with a life of abundance, with plenty of overflow that can’t help but pour out of our hearts. 

Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life. Revelation 22:17 (NIV)