Spider Webs

I was having one of those days… the kind we all have from time to time.  One of those draining days where you can’t quite pinpoint what exactly is bothering you, but you know it’s there.  Something doesn’t feel right.  Something’s off.  God feels miles and miles away.  He’s silent.  You are desperate for an answer and more than anything you need Him to remind you of who you are.

I knew, on this particular day, that in order to get to the bottom of this funk I was in, I had to get alone with God.  As difficult as it was to convince my brain (and my list of a gazillion to-do list items), I grabbed my bible and phone, and sat down outside on my back porch. 

Closing my eyes, I was able to hear the sounds of spring.  I hadn’t realized with my eyes open how loudly the birds were singing.  In the stillness and silence of my soul, I uttered the question I desperately needed answered: “Is my life significant?” 

It startled me at first, but then I realized that it was the very thing I needed God to clarify.  Behind that simple question, a floodgate of others gushed out. 

Does the life that I’m living count for something? 

Is the job you’ve asked me to do for me alone? 

If I mess it up, will you just find someone else who can do it better? 

Do I matter?

I opened my eyes and this teeny tiny orange spider was staring back at me.  I was sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest, and right there, perched on the tip-top of my knee was this strange creature.  He was the smallest spider I’d ever seen, bright orange with a shiny round body and short legs.  I watched him for a bit before deciding a better place for him to crawl was on the ground.   

Then, I noticed another spider crawling up the arm of my chair.  This spider was bigger, with a longer body and long front legs.  Its body was the same brown speckled color as the chair.  When the third spider, yet a different kind, came along I figured I better pay attention. 

I grabbed my phone and typed in the word “spider” in the search line of my bible concordance.  I couldn’t think of any references to spiders, so I was surprised when my search located exactly two places in the entire bible that refer to a spider.  It didn’t take me long to identify the root of the emptiness I was feeling.

Such is the destiny of all who forget God;
    so perishes the hope of the godless.  
What they trust in is fragile;
    what they rely on is a spider’s web.  
They lean on the web, but it gives way;
    they cling to it, but it does not hold.

  Job 8:13-15

While I don’t normally consider myself to be godless, the “all who forget God” certainly seemed familiar to me.  And I knew that feeling of hope lost.  I’ve heard it said that every human heart is an idol-making factory.  We so easily take our eyes off Jesus and try to find our worth in smaller things; things that will never satisfy us; things that don’t last and were never meant to be our source of hope.  While I recognized that God was showing me that I was the reason He felt far away, I only felt love and acceptance as He gently turned my gaze back to Him.

Jesus came to set the captives free because we are a people who create our own prisons.  Every idol we manufacture in life is a direct path to slavery.  I’m not talking about worshiping the little plastic gods; I’m talking good stuff.  Godly things even.  Family can be an idol if it’s where we find our value.  Any relationship that is more important than the one we have with God is an idol.  Years ago, my pursuit of motherhood was an idol that kept me in bondage for years.  I was convinced that I was a nobody until I could be called “Mom.”  I still struggle with my need to please people, responding to others’ approval of me and ignoring what pleases God.  I want recognition.  I crave acceptance.  And Jesus has already given all of those things to me.

Jesus came to tear down every idol we create.  He knows they are as fragile and flimsy as a spider’s web.  The problem is that as soon as we recognize that we’ve made an idol and allow Him to rescue us, it is only a matter of time before our hearts start whittling away at another one.  This is where I get stuck.  I rationalize that if the work I’m doing is for God then it is alright if I lose myself in it.  But it is still another something that I’ve allowed to capture my heart rather than God.

Last month I read probably the best parenting book out there:  Grace Based Parenting.  The message is simple- model our relationships with our children after the way God treats us- with an abundance of grace.  The author talks about three basic needs that children have:  strength, security, and significance.  In fact, all of us were born with these three needs. 

In verse 15, we see how security and strength can never be found in anything other than God.  They lean on the web, but it gives way- our security is found in God when we chose to trust Him.  Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”  My understanding or perception is radically different from God’s reality.  That is why He urges us to lean on Him and find our security in Him. 

The next part address our need for strength:  they cling to it, but it does not hold.  We are all searching for something or someone to hold us, to be our strength.  The Hebrew word used for hold is quwm, which means to endure, sustain, or prevail.  It is the same word used to describe Jesus in Psalm 113:7:  “He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes.”  Only Jesus has the strength to reach down to us where we are, covered in dirt and so unworthy, and lift us out of the mess we’ve created and give us the grace we don’t deserve.  He does the lifting.  He does the delivering.  We have nothing to do with it other than creating a need to be rescued.

I turned in my bible to the second place the word “spider” is found.

They spin a spider’s web… Their cobwebs are useless for clothing;
    they cannot cover themselves with what they make.

Isaiah 59:5,6

The King James Version translates verse 6, neither shall they cover themselves with their works.  The word used for “works” is ma aseh which means labor, business, pursuit, undertaking or work of God.  I thought about that question I had taken to God: “Is my life significant?” 

The reason that I was struggling so was that I had allowed what I was doing to become my source of significance.  Isaiah clearly states that our work, even work for God, can never truly cover us.  Because I had recently studied chapter 61 a few pages over, I made a connection.

A cobweb- flimsy, dirty and full of holes- was never what God intended us to wear when He sent Jesus to free us.  He is a better covering, one that will guarantee our significance as children of the one true King.

I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.  
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Isaiah 61:10

I needed to be reminded that my security, strength, and significance cannot be found in anything I am doing, but only in what Jesus has already done.

With tears in my eyes, I let these amazing truths sink down into my soul, and I thanked Jesus for bringing my attention back to Him.  In that moment, the sun shone on the thin threads of a spider web that were hovering over my chair.  I had seen the spiders, but missed the web above my head.  Jesus, the Light of the world, reveals those webs that so easily entangle us, and He will show us the way out of them when we get trapped.

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. 

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.   ~Hebrews 12:1-2 (emphasis mine)

Rediscovering the Mystery of a Shadow

At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.  Matthew 11:25

Watching little ones become completely captivated by common things such as balloons or their own shadow is beyond charming.  But as I witness my own kids fearlessly embrace these fascinating wonders that science offers I find myself feeling as if I’m missing out on something.

Balloons have captured Jake and Lilly’s hearts since they were itty bitty.  Shadows are their newest fascination.  Chasing their own shadow or being followed instead, waving, or even hiding in the shade to make their shadows momentarily disappear are among the ways they entertain themselves while running around in the backyard.

 

Shadows are not mysterious to me anymore the way they used to be when I was a kid.  The light required at just the right angle to produce either a larger or smaller version of me is something I don’t even see any more- unless Jake or Lilly point it out to me saying, “Look!  Mommy’s shadow!!”  

Last week I prayed a teeny tiny little prayer.  Honestly, it seemed pretty insignificant, but it was important to me.  When God answered my prayer, I was stunned.  I am still talking about that teeny tiny little prayer that He answered in the most personal way- and it happened over a week ago.  I keep saying to God, “Thank you for answering my prayer!  I can’t believe you care enough to answer such a small request.”  I can imagine God saying, “Well, why did you ask me then?”  It’s not that I don’t have faith that God can do anything we ask, as long as it is in line with His will;  it’s just that if I’m honest, I really wasn’t expecting Him to answer my seemingly insignificant request. 

Something inside me was rekindled by this simple little answer from a God who sometimes seems so far away.  I needed to be reminded of the mystery of a God whose ways are so far above what my mind can comprehend.  Kinda like rediscovering the joy of watching my shadow sway in synchronized movement right in front of me.  Like falling back on a childlike faith in which belief in the unseen far outweighs logical reasoning.  Trying to fit a mighty, magnificent, and holy God into a box that I designed and fashioned has never worked out too well for me.  When Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children,” I think he was in the company of those who had failed to embrace the mystery of God.  I think they lost sight of their shadows.

Naomi knew about shadows, too.  The book of Ruth is a beautiful love story of redemption and loyalty, but it’s also about a woman who had been dealt a tough hand and perhaps wondered if God had abandoned her.  The story begins with a famine that forces her to leave her home with her husband and two sons and travel to the country of Moab.  While in this foreign land, she loses her beloved husband.  Ten years pass and then both of her sons pass away as well.  Her sons had both married, so she is left with two daughters-in-law. 

When word came that the Lord had come to the aid of his people by providing food, the three women prepared to return to Naomi’s home.  Not too far into their journey, Naomi urged them to return to their own homelands and their own families.  She cried out, “The Lord’s hand has turned against me!”  I have not walked the road this woman was walking, but I know that place.  The place where reasoning convinces you that God does not care and does not even see you. 

The story continues as Ruth refuses to leave Naomi; in fact the bible says “Ruth clung to her.”  (Ruth 1:14) She tells Naomi, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay.  Your people will be my people and your God my God.”  (Ruth 1:16)  Now I have to believe that Ruth had some pretty good reasons for making the decision she made.  Her mother-in-law was begging her to return home to “her family and her gods.”  What we don’t know is how soon Ruth married into the family after Naomi’s husband died.  Ten years separated her husband's passing and her two sons' deaths.  In the past few years I can name four women I know personally who have been widowed, and watching them in the aftermath of heartbreak is probably the clearest picture of their faith.  I have to believe that Ruth saw something in Naomi as she picked up the pieces of her shattered heart, and over time opened it up to two women whom she would call family.

When Ruth and Naomi arrived in Bethlehem, the entire town was ecstatic.  But Naomi tells them, “Don’t call me Naomi (which means pleasant).  Call me Mara (bitter), because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.  I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi?  The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.” (Ruth 1:20-21)  In the footnote of my study bible, I read that the Hebrew word that Naomi uses here, ra`a`, is the strongest term for evil in the Hebrew language.  It also means to shatter or break.

The story continues as Ruth sets out to glean the fields and finds favor with a man named Boaz.  Hearing of how Ruth followed her mother-in-law and was looking after her, Boaz said, “May the Lord repay you for what you have done.  May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge.”  (Ruth 2:12)

When Ruth returned one evening with all of her barley and leftovers from lunch she had shared with Boaz, Naomi began to see the shadow.  As light crept into her broken soul, she realized that God had not turned His back after all.  I love the way the Message translates her comment: “God hasn’t quite walked out on us after all!  He still loves us, in bad times as well as good!” (Ruth 2:20)  As Naomi began to put the pieces together of how God was working, she returned to her childlike faith.  She remembered that God doesn’t always work the way we think He should.  (In fact this never happens!)  God’s promise that He will never leave or forsake one of His own was rekindled and she reached out and held onto it, despite her pain.  Naomi began to see God’s protective hand in her life, and then one day she allowed God to use her story in His bigger story.

Ruth 3:1 says, “One day Ruth’s mother-in-law Naomi said to her, “My daughter, I must find a home for you, where you will be well provided for.” (emphasis mine)  One day. One day Naomi woke up and was sick to death of her own sorrow.  She was tired of weeping and tired of focusing on her own pain.  When her gaze shifted from her own loss to Ruth, who had also lost so much, she took the first step towards healing in her own heart.  And it all began with being reminded of the mysterious love of God.

Jake and Lilly still don’t quite understand that when the sun is not out, shadows cannot be seen.  We all know that the easiest time to spot a shadow moving is when the sun is shining.  But life, unfortunately, is not always sunny.  In fact, sometimes there are years that go by without a break in the clouds.  But all it takes is the slightest bit of light, a crack in the sky, to become fascinated with shadows dancing along the ground. 

Naomi, who had been bitter for so many years, began to recognize God’s love, even though it had been there all along.  She saw it for the first time in years, and what a difference it made!  The story ends with a marriage and a baby.  Ruth 4:16 says that “Naomi took the child in her arms and cared for him.”  But the story was not over, because this little boy would become the grandfather of King David, and eventually Jesus Christ would be born into his family line. 

God took these two widows under His wing and their story, broken hearts and all, became His story.  Psalm 36:7 says, “How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.” (emphasis mine)  Today, whether the sun is shining in your life or the skies are as dark as can be, look for evidence of God’s mysterious love for you.  Seek refuge under the shadow of His wings.

Words

I love words.  My house is full of words and I am thrilled when I find a new one I do not yet know.  The latest app I downloaded on my phone is the Dictionary/Thesaurus one, and I realize that I am way too excited about it!!  Just as meaningful to me as the photographs that cover the walls of our home are the words that bring me comfort each day, some framed and on display; others cut out of some magazine and placed where only I can see; or those not visible at all, but linked to some object and written only in my heart. 

Now that both of my grandfathers are gone, I go over and over in my mind the last conversations I had with each of them, and tuck them safely inside my memory box.  I remember their words, and it’s as if they’re still here.  Funny phrases or nicknames that made me smile then still have the same effect now even though they are gone. 

I’m sure it’s that way for everyone.  Memories exist in photographs, but it’s the story behind them that brings them to life.  It’s the words that were spoken; the language exchanged that seals them in our minds. 

My free time is spent stringing words together in an attempt to preserve moments that all too quickly become distant memories.  This morning, I was working on Jake and Lilly’s photo books, which have become more than just a collection of photos, but a treasury of silly stories and a place for me to document my hopes and dreams for them and communicate how much they mean to me.  I was writing to each of them, explaining which words they use most frequently these days, and I included the unique way they pronounce each one.

LILLY-

Rar-rar:  dinosaur

It scary me :  It scared me.

Sweet Girl, you are enjoying every minute of drama these days!  Your favorite game to play with your brother is “Bear’s Coming.”  You both locate your flashlights and tip-toe into dark rooms and corners of the house where bears might be lurking.  When you and Jake spot the imaginary bear, you scream and run away, then promptly come tell me, “Momma, bear scary me!”  When you get sick of hunting for bears, you substitute Jake’s stuffed dinosaurs- all eight of them.  (One of the eight, the Brontosaurus, you’ve named “Rar-Rar.”)  I love the faces you make when you are trying to be extra convincing that there is some terrifying predator on the loose in our home.

JAKE-

Taint you: thank you

Bay-bank: blanket

Buddy, you’ve found the clearest and most direct path to your Mommy’s heart.  When I help you get dressed in the morning, you cheerfully say, in a sing-song way, “Taint you, Mommy!”  Your inflection at the end always soars as high as you can make it go, which never fails to produce a grin on my face, no matter how early in the morning it is.  You continue this pattern at breakfast, and on throughout the day, thanking me in such a sweet way for doing ordinary Mommy-kind-of-things, like helping you find your bay-bank or giving you more juice.  Your thankful heart makes me stop to thank God for making my life so very full.

One of the most rewarding aspects of having twins is watching the way two highly opinionated people come to each other’s aid as language emerges through words, then phrases, and eventually tidy little sentences used in the correct context with appropriate, yet dramatic expression.  Cody and I have been convinced for quite a while that Jake and Lilly possess a secret language completely foreign to us.  Every now and then, we catch one translating the other sibling’s sentence as soon as Mommy and Daddy’s faces start to become riddled with confusion. 

Sometimes, their motive is incrimination rather than support.  For example, the other day Lilly got in trouble for taking Jake’s toy and running away, a sly grin plastered all over her angel face.  In toddler talk, we call this “not nice,” and Jake wanted to make sure we knew that her behavior was unacceptable.  He felt so strongly that he sensed an obligation to repeat that phrase over and over and over while Cody disciplined Lilly and attempted to keep a straight face.

JAKE: “Not nice, Lilly!” (which sounds more like Lee-ee) The finger wagging and furrowed brow make his authority so believable!

CODY:  Calmly sends Lilly to time-out after confiscating the stolen toy

JAKE: “Not nice, Lilly!” (over and over again throughout the entire two minute duration of her time-out)

CODY:  Calls Lilly over to talk about her behavior (Guess who was front and center, ready to come to his sister’s aid?)

When asked why she went to time-out, Lilly smirked, tapped one finger on her chin, diverted her innocent eyes up to the ceiling, away from Daddy’s, and after a short but theatrical pause answered with, “Hmmmmm… I dunno,” shrugging her shoulders convincingly.

Before I tell you that she was sent back to time-out, I want you to know that this little act is one that she has perfected over the past couple of months.  Biting his cheek so as not to laugh at her nerve, Cody sent her directly back to time-out to think about it. 

When given another opportunity to explain to her Daddy that she understood why she was sent to the rug, she repeated her famous line, “Hmmmmm… I dunno.”  Either aggravated by her little game or concerned that his sister did not know the correct answer, Jake quickly came to her rescue.

JAKE: “Lilly me par-pane.”  (Lilly took my airplane.)

CODY:  Asks Lilly to give her own answer, only to have Jake step in once again with his response

JAKE: “Lilly run way.” (Lilly ran away.)

CODY:  Begins to explain to Lilly that he is disappointed that her brother knows all the answers to his questions yet she knows none, however, he is interrupted yet again with a final and very poignant response from Jake.

JAKE: “Lilly, not nice!!!”

I think I remember Cody losing it right about then, giving in to the laughter he had been trying to conceal when his eyes met mine and I faltered by cracking a smile.  But it didn’t end there.  When Cody asked Lilly to tell Jake that she was sorry, Jake lovingly told her that he was sorry and then hugged her and planted a big, sloppy kiss on the side of her face.

We’ve seen this before, too.  Many times, when an apology is due him, Jake is quick to give one out rather than accept one from his sister.  Or maybe, in this case, his apology had nothing to do with an airplane, but with selling his sister out and knowing all the answers!

I chuckled as I listened to Cody retell this story to our family, and I realized that I love this stage full of emerging language and hidden meaning and funny facial expressions that match unique little personalities.  I see so much of myself in both of my kids…. the drama that Lilly seems to have been born with and the high expectations that Jake holds for himself as well as for others.

I also see their words.  I watch the path that their sounds take as they one day transform into clear, comprehensible communication.  I witness them using their words to build each other up and show others love.  I can’t ignore the power their words hold as I observe emotional outbursts that used to be temper tantrums, but now carry explanations as well as feelings.  I notice how certain words like “taint you” carry me through my day and how words like “Mommy” help me remember how blessed I am. 

I recognize myself in their words.  Just like their developing vocabulary, I too, am growing, changing, and becoming more confident as a mom.  Communication is improving not just between me and my kids, but between a clueless Mommy and Daddy as well.  I see my own words displayed on their lips, and some make me smile, while others make me cringe.  I watch how my words bring life to their little faces and theirs do the same for me.  Words like “I love you,” or “You’re special.”  

When Lilly looked up at me the other day and told me, “Jesus loves you, Mom,” I realized that words are far more significant than I had ever considered.  Words are what I will embrace as time passes and my children grow up.  Words are what I’ll hold tightly.  The words construct my memory which is what I'll rely on as I replay each and every story and pass them to those who will pass them on yet again.

Many words rush along like rivers in flood, but deep wisdom flows up from artesian springs.  Proverbs 18:4 MSG