Dust Buster

He humbles those who dwell on high, he lays the lofty city low; he levels it to the ground and casts it down to the dust.  Isaiah 26:5

Lately, I’ve felt as though I am wrestling with God- trying to wrap my mind around this certain thing, seeking clear insight which I know can only come from Him.  And, quite honestly, it’s exhausting.  I’m tired.  I’m done- ready to quit.  I want to walk away- not from God, but from my own lack of understanding.

That’s when I remembered a man who might know how I feel.  A man I never met, but a man I feel as if I know very well.  A man who wrestled with God.  A man named Jacob.  Reading this story in Genesis 32, I am slowly beginning to see that Jacob had a lot of struggles. 

He struggled with the truth, and wound up deceiving others to get his way.
He struggled with pride, and had a bad habit of putting himself first. 
He struggled with fear, and though he could see angels all around him, Jacob did not trust God.

I have read this story dozens of times.  My grandfather’s name was Jacob, and my son carries that name as well.  I’ve scoured the pages of my bible, eager to learn more about this man blessed by God.  But today, God made some things pretty clear.  It was a lesson that changed my thinking and pierced my heart.

Jacob did not wrestle with God.  God wrestled with Jacob. 

The word wrestle means “to grapple or get dusty.”  This was a face-to-face, close encounter with Jesus.  And Jacob got dusty.  I have this sneaky suspicion that Jacob did not want to get down in the dirt, but God brought him low.  I bet Jacob thought with all of his pride and all of his strength and all of his conniving schemes that he just might win. 

The more and more I thought about it, I realized that this was not just a wrestling match.  This was God sculpting Jacob.  And though God was victorious, He was merciful as well.  Genesis 2 speaks of another close, face-to-face encounter between man and God:

Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.    Genesis 2:7

God, in His great love, knew that there were huge pieces of stone that had to be removed.  So, the great Artist, holding a chisel in His hand, set to work on the very man He created from the dust. Little by little, the unwanted stone is removed, and then the Artist bends down and blows the dust away, leaving something valuable and beautiful in its place… new life.

It is a remarkable process to watch a sculptor at work, but I can only imagine a very different perspective from the stone the Artist has seized.  Jacob had surrendered all he owned, yet he had not surrendered the very thing God was after- his heart.  He sent his family and all of his possessions on ahead of him as he waited to see what his fate would be when his brother Esau met him in the morning.  God knew Jacob needed to be alone so that He could chisel away his pride, his selfish motives, and his unbelief. And in that wrestling match of God trying to get Jacob to let go, he found himself holding on to God- only God- and in that moment he surrendered himself completely.  After that encounter, God changed Jacob’s name to Israel which means, “God rules.”  Psalm 103 explains why it is such a beautiful thing to let God rule over our lives.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.    Psalm 103:13-14

God knew that for Jacob to become Israel, sculpting had to happen.  Getting dusty reminds us of our position and establishes God in His right position- above us.  But God, in His love and compassion, did not leave Jacob dusty, He came face-to-face with him and blew all the dust away.  Jacob’s words after his night of wrestling with God reveal God’s deeper work.

So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”   Genesis 32:30

No one could see God and live, and Jacob knew he had seen the face of God.  Some translations read “yet my life was preserved,” or “delivered,” suggesting that God rescued Jacob from his fate.  And God most certainly did rescue Jacob.  But a closer look reveals a deeper truth.  This word in the Hebrew language means “to take away or strip off something.”  Jacob needed a new name, because God removed the parts of the old man that kept him from being who God created him to be.  Without those pieces of stone, Jacob was free to walk in God’s purpose for his life, a new and changed man.  And the name God chose was a reminder to Jacob who ruled his life. 

I am beginning to see that this wrestling is not really wrestling at all.  It’s holding, . . . chiseling, . . . stripping.  It’s face-to-face personal.  And as any artist knows, sculpting takes time. 

Though there were many areas of his life that God had to remove, Jacob did this one thing really, really well.  He prayed.  He was afraid, and he struggled to trust God, but he prayed.  Not only did he pray when his fear overwhelmed him, he prayed God’s word.  He remembered the promise God made to him many years before, and when it got personal and he got dusty, he clung to the Promise-maker, understanding that sculpting was part of God’s plan in bringing that promise to fruition. 

“I am the LORD, the God of your father Abraham and the God of Isaac.  I will give you and your descendants the land on which you are lying.  Your descendants will be like the dust of the earth, and you will spread out to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south.  All peoples on earth will be blessed through you and your offspring.  I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.  I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”  Genesis 28:13-15

Pun-kin Pickin'

 

When the Wind Blows

Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you...  
2 Timothy 1:6

I have been spending time in 2 Timothy, Paul’s last and final letter.  His words carry so much weight.  Timothy, young and timid, needed to be reminded of who He was in Christ.  Oh, how I can relate to Timothy!  Paul makes this statement to Timothy and I can hear God whispering the same, very thing to me:  I remind you, Kelly, to stir up the gift of God which is in you…

Other translations read “fan into flame” or “rekindle,” and this got me thinking:  When a fire is dying, a strong wind has the ability to put it out completely. But blowing gently on the embers will do the opposite.  This type of wind can revive a fading and flickering flame. Those embers, once rekindled, can produce a great, big fire.  When there is a steady fire, that same strong wind has the ability to spread those flames... like wildfire.

Hurricane Ike was my first hurricane. I remember being terrified just by the sound of the wind.  I laid in bed awake that night wondering if the force of those screeching winds would pluck the roof right off our house. I will never forget that storm- not because our roof was damaged- it wasn’t. It will forever stand out in my journey with Jesus because very soon a storm would strike in my own life that would last more than a day and threaten to steal more than the roof above my head.

During that storm, my world was dark.  I wondered if the waiting would ever end.  Painful loss ripped my heart in two.  It felt as if the wind that was blowing could most certainly swoop down and steal my faith. But my faith was not extinguished; it was strengthened through that storm.  The unpredictable raging winds exposed many holes in my faith that desperately needed to be repaired and lies I had accepted that needed to be replaced with truth.  Though those winds were necessary for the work God was doing in my heart, it was a much gentler wind that met me in my drenched state.  This wind did not howl; it did not shriek or threathen.  It soothed my soul and refreshed my heart.  It sounded a lot like this:

I haven’t forgotten you.

You are not alone.

I will never leave you.

I have a plan.

You are mine.

In 2 Timothy 3:16, Paul tells Timothy that “all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”  God’s word is His very breath.  It is His love letter to us, and it has a beautiful sound.  It meets us right where we are with all of our questions, all of our fears, and right in the middle of our messes.

My fire was still flickering, but it was in a state of crisis.  I needed Jesus to breathe life into me and resurrect my faith. And He did just that, through His word.  I found hope in the pages and discovered a direct line of communication with my loving Father.  I wondered how I had lived so many years thinking my bible was just a history book, a tidy collection of stories about some people that lived a really, really long time ago in a place really, really far from here.  But you know what?  I happen to have a whole lot in common with those people. Listen to the words Jesus speaks as He reunites with His closest followers after rising from the grave.

On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.  Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.”  And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit.”

John 20:19-22

The disciples were afraid.  They had questions.  Certain men in that very room had made monumental messes.  They did not understand that Jesus had to rise from the dead, so their faith had been put to the ultimate test.  They desperately needed Jesus to breath life into them; to blow on the embers of their hearts and rekindle their faith.  They were scared and uncertain and most definitely did not have power so Jesus gave them this gift- the Holy Spirit- that would spark a fire so great that it would eventually spread like wildfire.

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them.  All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.

Acts 2:1-4

God literally used a hurricane force wind to blow through this house and ignite a fire that would spread the gospel through the power of the Holy Spirit using a bunch of fearful followers.  And thousands believed- three thousand, to be exact!  The stormy winds in our own lives have the potential to spread the love of Jesus like wildfire, too.  Paul's letter to Timothy shows us how. 

Paul knew that Timothy’s fire was weak, but he knew that the power of the Holy Spirit could revive Timothy’s faith and make it even stronger in the face of persecution and suffering.  Paul tells Timothy (and he tells us) in 2 Timothy 4:2, “Share the word; be prepared in season and out of season;” when it’s convenient and when it’s not; during the storm and during good weather. Oh, how simple it is to speak of God's love when I feel it shining all around me!  It's another thing entirely to believe that He is good when life is not.  Fierce winds that rush in unexpectedly often leave questions hanging with no answers.  But God's love stretches farther than any storm or hurricane, and His gentle breath is more powerful than any wind that blows our way. 
 
In the Bible, God used the wind to provide:  He used it to hold back the water of the Red Sea so the people could cross on dry land; He used it to bring quail into the wilderness for the people to eat.  Sometimes, we get to look back and see how God used the strong winds in our lives; and sometimes we don't.  Even if we don't ever know the why, we can find peace in knowing the Who.  God created the wind, He commands the wind, and He can use the wind in any way He chooses.  As Elijah learned, sometimes we have to look past the wind and past the storm, and strain our ears to hear that gentle whisper.  God's word- His very breath- is enough to sustain us, revive us, and renew us.  Let Jesus breathe fresh wind into your life today.


He who forms the mountains, who creates the wind, and who reveals his thoughts to mankind, who turns dawn to darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth- the Lord God Almighty is his name. 

Amos 4:13

This is grace.

Be sure that no one misses God’s grace.  Hebrews 12:15 NIRV

Last week God taught me an amazing lesson in, of all places, the dentist’s office.  We had the first appointment of the day.  I am not sure why an 8:00 appointment seemed like a good idea six months ago, but somehow we arrived on time.  The young woman led me, Jake, and Lilly down the hallway, past friendly animals painted on the walls.  This was our third visit to the dentist since they both turned two, so I assumed we had settled into that veteran mode, where tears and fears were no longer as issue.  Why, oh why do I make those assumptions?!

Jake is normally the timid, more cautious one, and since my kids are polar opposites, Lilly claims the title, “Brave One.”  On this particular morning, they decided to swap places, without sending me the memo.  Jake quickly climbed into his chair, excited to get the show on the road.  Lilly did the same, but seconds later she was in tears.  Each time I asked her what was the matter she frowned and slumped further and further down into the chair.  Our last visit went smoothly, so I was not prepared for this uncooperative and very unhappy patient. 

When the X-Ray machine came close, she backed away.  When asked to bite down, she refused.  When asked what was wrong, she cried harder.   Finally, I realized this was going downhill in a hurry, so I asked if we could skip the X-Rays for the time being and try them again later.  (It was the first experience with X-Rays and I thought maybe a quick chit-chat would help get to the bottom of her fears.)  We talked and she calmed down, and eventually she agreed to cooperate.

When the hygienist came in to clean Lilly's teeth, she explained everything she would be doing.  She even showed her how it would feel by pretending Lilly’s fingernails were her teeth.  I could tell Lilly was warming up to her and that she was gaining trust for this sweet, gentle woman who I wanted to take home with me- she was that good.  Lilly was ready to lean back, open her mouth, and be a brave big-girl.  Until the tools made noise.  Within seconds her hands flew up to her mouth and the tears ran down her face for a second time.  Patience abounded in that tiny dental room, I tell you! 

When all else failed, a princess crown was mentioned.  At the sound of getting to pick such a prize after her cleaning, Lilly tried as hard as she could to be brave.  And then she quickly decided otherwise.  That’s when the screaming happened.  Not irritating-unpleasant-sounding wails.  No, these were more like blood-curdling-earsplitting shrieks that could have easily broken every window in the building.  Saying it was a bad visit is a horrible understatement. 

As we walked up to the reception area to check out, Jake was offered a prize.  He had already received numerous praises from the staff and especially from me, as I was relieved to only have one screaming child instead of two.  He took a couple of seconds and then confidently made his decision.  My heart was breaking for Lilly who was clinging to my legs.  She wanted that crown, but she definitely did not cooperate with any of us and she most certainly interrupted everyone’s morning- at least those within a two mile radius- with her shrillness.  That’s when I realized that I hate these kinds of decisions.  I dread the moments when as a Mom I have to decide what to do, knowing my words carry extreme weight. 

When Lilly was asked if she also wanted to pick a prize, my heart sank, remembering the conversation we’d had in the car before the appointment.  I had reminded them about choosing a prize and I went through all the things that I expected from them.  I knew what I would be saying if I let Lilly have the crown.  But looking down at her, I suddenly felt this overwhelming desire to give her exactly that.

I pulled her aside, bent down and looked into her watery eyes and told her that how she acted was not acceptable.  I pointed out how kind and helpful all the ladies had been, and asked her if she thought she deserved the crown.  She shook her head no.  Then I made a deal with her.  She could have the crown as long as she promised to try her best to be brave the next time we came.  She agreed and was soon happily wearing her crown.

I can tell you that there were some folks present who totally disagreed with my parenting.  As a recovering approval addict, I wish I didn’t notice, but I did.  No one told me so, but there is a tension in the air you can just feel when you are a Momma of a kid who misbehaved- let me correct that- a kid who misbehaved badly.  But as her Mom, I knew in my heart that she wanted to be brave and she wanted to do what she was asked to do.   Yet, fear snuck up and stole her courage.

As I sat in the car, drenched in sweat from this early morning fiasco, I regrouped and prayed honestly to Jesus.  I had this feeling I had made a mistake.  I wasn’t even sure why I said what I said and did what I did.  It felt so wrong to give my child a crown when she acted the way she did.  What am I teaching her? I thought.  Did I do the wrong thing? I asked Him. Clearly she did not deserve to be wearing a princess crown.

Tears were flowing and this time they were mine.  Why don’t they tell you parenting is this hard?  They prepare you for the sleep deprivation, they offer classes for breastfeeding, they’ve written books on how to handle temper tantrums, but no one explains this heart-wrenching feeling that inevitably follows every decision you make as a parent.  No one tells you that on a daily basis you will have to choose what is more important- your child’s heart or what other people think of you.  It’s moments like this that make me want to hug my own mom and tell her how much I appreciate her.  With deep breaths we continued our morning errands, and I continued my prayer long past the parking lot.  As I pulled up to a red light, I felt the most precious three words enter the quietness of my heart.  This is grace. 

A princess crown is probably the farthest thing from what Lilly had earned. 

This is grace. 

Her behavior did not measure up like her brother’s, yet she also received a prize. 

This is grace. 

Lilly did not deserve a crown, but still, she was wearing it- with a smile. 

This is grace.  

Grace is a word that gets thrown around a whole lot, and I think we often forget that it is truly amazing.  Grace is what we have all been given- undeserved, unearned, and precious.  I glanced in the rear-view mirror and realized that I don’t deserve to be wearing the princess crown on my head either.  As a daughter of the King, I did not earn an invitation into His kingdom- it was a gift.  I don’t deserve to be called His child because of my track record, yet that’s exactly who I am.  Even when I try to act the way I know I’m supposed to, I still fall short.  Grace is something I can never, ever earn.

Feeling a whole lot better about the situation, I wiped my tears, turned around, and told Jake how incredibly proud I was of him.  I told him how happy it made me that he listened at the dentist and acted like a big boy.  As I shifted my gaze to Lilly, her head was already hung, brows furrowed as if she knew what was coming her way.  When I told her that I was proud of her, too, she looked up confused.   She knew she had not acted in a way that made me proud.  But instead of focusing on her behavior, I focused on her as my child, the way that God looks at me.  “I am so very proud of you, Lilly, because you’re my girl.”  Smiles spread and grace rerouted our morning.  It’s a beautiful thing- this grace.

God looks not at our messes, screw-ups, or failures.  He is not a bit surprised by them.  In fact, He expects them.  He waits for that moment when our heads are hung low, when we’re disappointed that we’re here again, and then He lets us have it.  This is grace. He gives it freely and abundantly not because we deserve it, not because we can ever earn it, but because He loves us, and we are His. 

This is grace.

But he gives us more grace. James 4:6 NIV