The Words God Uses

I exited the room unnoticed and let the door close slowly behind me.  The speaker continued her presentation as the baby sprawled across my bladder convinced me another trip to the restroom was overdue.

I flew across the country to attend a writing conference, fully expecting God to speak to me through some carefully crafted message or in a dialogue with a new acquaintance.  But Jesus has a habit of moving in unexpected ways and speaking in unexpected places. He spoke loud and clear, but it wasn’t through a course on writing or a list of tips to go home and practice.

God spoke to me in the bathroom.

It wasn’t the first time God had used a public restroom to deliver a powerful message.  My name was found on a bathroom wall by my grandma who worked as a custodian at a community college. That was the story I've known since I was little. I’ve spent most of my life thinking I was just meaningless, insignificant graffiti.

Three decades later, my grandma shared the true version of the story I thought I knew so well.

She spoke of walls covered with inspirational quotes in students’ handwriting and my name written underneath the words of a beautiful poem.  God used this story to give me eyes to see myself the way He sees me. My name wasn't written in a dirty place, hidden and unapproved; it had purpose and was carefully chosen by Jesus Himself.  

As I recalled the way He had used the words of a stranger in my own life, Jesus gently whispered to me in the middle of a restroom five states away from home:

Are you willing to write your words in the place I’ve chosen… even if it’s on a bathroom wall… for the purpose of changing one life?

I’ve been through so much with Jesus.  One thing I’ve learned (perhaps the hard way) is that I can trust Him… even when it doesn’t make sense… especially when it doesn’t make sense. So my prayer back to Him became one I've never prayed before. 

Show me my bathroom wall.

I’ve read a story in John chapter 8 at least fifty times this week. It’s dawn and Jesus is teaching in front of a crowd in the temple when the religious leaders drag in a woman they’ve caught in the act of adultery. 

These men have one thing on their agenda: trap Jesus and find a way to accuse Him.  I’ve wondered why only one party is brought before Jesus. I want to know why the guilty man isn’t present. Or maybe he is.

It’s very possible that this woman, though clearly she had sinned, was used as a pawn in the carefully thought-out scheme of these men who hated Jesus.  So add to the condemnation and judgment and pure embarrassment of the whole ordeal a heap of betrayal, worthlessness and shame. This kind of brokenness I can’t imagine. 

In this raw and tension-filled moment, Jesus does something so unexpected.  Rather than use His authority to address the crowd, He writes on the ground with His finger.  It’s the only place in scripture that records Jesus writing.

When they continue with their accusations, Jesus invites the one who has never sinned to throw the first stone, knowing full well that He is the only sinless one present.  Eventually every last one of the woman’s accusers leaves the scene. 

It was just a broken woman and Jesus standing in the dirt staring at words that would change everything.

Show me my bathroom wall.

This summer Jesus asked my friend to add something to her morning prayer walk.  It was something so unexpected, but she knew without a doubt He had called her to this.  So she set out every morning on her same prayer path armed with a box of chalk.  

She didn’t realize that this path was holy ground. 

She didn’t know that God was using her words written in brightly colored chalk on the hot, Texas pavement to save a life.  A message written on the bridge one day told of a broken heart and a dead end that was nothing but hopeless.  Until Jesus stepped in and took the words of a stranger and made them personal to the one who was reading them.  And He gave this girl a reason to live.  

Show me my bathroom wall.

My friend will probably never meet the girl who signed her name Anonymous on the bridge. I’ll never know the words that were strung together on that bathroom wall thirty five years ago or what it was that made a fifty year old custodian stop one day to them.  But I know this:  Jesus knows my name.  He knows my friend who walked with chalk all summer.  He knows Anonymous. 

Jesus stooped down low to write in the dust and He's called us to do the same.  Bending low, it becomes less about us and more about what He wants to accomplish through us. 

The only name I want people to remember when they read my words is Jesus- the name that saves.

For the rest of the conference, I took notes.  I wrote down methods for building a writing and speaking platform, but I realized by the last night that I’d rather write for one than a platform of five thousand or five hundred thousand.  Because the One I write for can use words scribbled on a bathroom wall or chalked along a gravel path to change lives, redeem lives, and save lives one tiny step of obedience at a time.

I invite you to make my prayer yours too.  Ask God to show you your bathroom wall. Then do whatever He tells you. 

The Story Behind Our Little Crew

My dear friends, Julie and Rudy, had this amazing vision to capture my story on video. It's a story about the Love that rescued me and changed everything.  I am so grateful to be able to share all God has taught me through this little crew He's entrusted to us, and I know there will be plenty more opportunities for our faith to grow along the way. 




Kelly's Story from Rudy Cassol on Vimeo.

Live in the Truth of Now

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. 1 Peter 2:9-10 (NIV)

I stared blankly at the words that lit up my i-phone. Instead of the standard “I’m praying for you” text, my friend shared exactly what she was praying… and it was bold.

Too bold for my blood.

As the doubt that clenched my heart eventually made its way to my jaw bone, I felt my entire face tighten. Her request was too big and too daring to ask of God.  I didn’t believe He would answer it. Could He? Sure. Nothing is impossible with God.  But would He? That was an entirely different question.

Here’s the thing: I had prayed big, bold prayers for my friend that same morning.  I had covered my family with the truth from God’s promises.  I had lifted up others in Jesus’ name, confident that He would bring healing, move mountains, do the impossible.

Why couldn’t I believe He would do the same for me?

I can tell others they are chosen, precious, loved.  I can ask God to work in their lives with assurance, but sometimes I fail to believe His promises are true for me. Because I know Me- the Me that no one else except Jesus sees, the Me that wrestles with the same struggles over and over until I’m sure God is exhausted by my failed attempts.

Maybe you’ve found yourself stuck in the same dilemma.  Maybe you’re wondering how to break free.

Later that morning as I reached for my bible, Peter’s words sank down deep into the pockets of my heart where doubt and unbelief like to crouch low and hide. After soaking in the truth, lies that were hidden underneath my lack of faith bubbled up to the surface. You are not worthy. You don’t belong.

None of us are worthy.  None of us belong in God’s presence which is why Jesus made a way. Through His sacrifice, Jesus made it possible to live at peace with God in His presence, as His children.

As a follower of Jesus, as a child of the living God, as a new creation- changed and transformed- with a new name and a new song to sing, I am chosen.  Precious, loved, accepted. Worthy, included. Special. His. And so are you.

Peter wrote to all Christians, Jews and Gentiles alike.  He was saying, “Once you did not belong, but now you do.” 

But now.  

Once you were not, but now you are.  Once you had not, but now you have. I had been stuck in the Land of Once Upon a Time, rather than living in the Truth of Now. 

Instead of believing that Jesus changed everything on that cross, I had chosen to listen to the repetitive loop tape of my unworthiness.  When the enemy of our souls whispers, “You were (fill in the blank),” God has given you and me two words to destroy that lie: “But now.”

Pray with the boldness of a woman who knows she is loved.

Live in the Truth of Now.

Five Candles

Gathered around a long rectangular table we sang ‘Happy Birthday’ and celebrated another year.  I held my breath as she blew out all five candles on top of the cake with bright blue frosting her Momma had made. In that blink of a moment, I stole a glance around the table at long ago acquaintances that are now my people.  God picked this family to place me in twelve years ago and with a thankful heart, I exhaled.

God used my precious niece to convince me back in 2009 that everything would be ok, that I would be ok. After the second loss that ripped my heart out, I wondered how on earth I would be able to hold it together less than two weeks later when I met this tiny baby and held her in my arms that were aching.

I’m pretty sure I felt the air being sucked in around me as my sister-in-law and mother-in-law watched and waited. When you watch someone's heart break, a tiny piece of yours breaks right along together.  That’s how family is- blood or not. 

As I held Kiley Jean in my arms that day on the back porch, slowly rocking back and forth in the wooden rocking chair, I felt God whisper to my soul, “It’s going to be ok … and so are you.”

Peace flooded my heart then just as it did today when I remembered all the ways God has shown His faithfulness right here around the table in the past five years. I am reminded of how He’s walked with us through the joy of new life, the sting of death, the adventures of starting something new, and memories we will forever cherish.  And that’s only a handful of years! Though every person could share their own long list, I will share mine because that’s really all I have to give.

In five years, Jesus has mended a heart I thought was beyond repair.

He has set me free from chains I was completely unaware were wrapped around me.

He has given me a passion to share His Word with other hurting hearts.

He has revived this gift of communicating love through words.

He has given me a son… and a daughter… at the same time.

And He has done the impossible with this baby on the way and shattered the doubt that’s been inside me for way too long.

He has given me eyes to see me… the way He sees me.

He has written a beautiful segment of my story… the one He continues to write daily.

He has captured my heart- my whole heart- and turned my life upside down in such a refreshing way.

Sweet Kiley has no idea that every year we celebrate her life, I secretly remember how God brought me from that dark season of pain and loss to one of light and joy.  One day I’ll tell her that God chose her to speak hope and love into such a broken spirit… that He used a tiny baby with strawberry blond hair and the most precious fingers and toes.

 

Really, this shouldn’t surprise me because isn’t that what God used all those years ago? Didn’t He choose a tiny baby to enter the darkest night and bring peace and hope for each and every one of us?

This baby was God’s perfect plan for rescuing us from ourselves. Not a mighty king, not a strong giant, not a noble or well-known authority… just a baby.  Tiny, frail, and weak.  He used this baby- Jesus- to change my life.  

It’s why we celebrate His birth at Christmas, His ultimate sacrifice of death and God’s perfect redemption plan through His resurrection at Easter.  But there are countless other occasions to celebrate the work God has done in our lives.  There are dates that are personal to me and dates that are personal to you. 

There are dates known only by Jesus.

There are numbers on the calendar that creep up on me. Hard days.  Every one of us has them. But for every painful memory in my life, I can see God’s hand of restoration weaving all of it together with grace and love and healing and this is what I want to remember.  I want to celebrate this so I don’t ever forget what He’s done and what He is doing today. Lately, I’ve seen it pop up over and over again in scripture. 

Remember. 

Do not forget.   

Celebrate. 

Do not be silent.

Celebrate what God has done in your life today.  Don’t wait until tomorrow.  Do it now.  Be loud and joyful and tell somebody or tell it right here.  Don’t keep it a secret.  Share what God has done in your life, what He’s doing today. 

I’m convinced that God is repetitive about this because He knows something we don’t. He knows that when we look for His hand of mercy and see how it hovers with care over our lives, we are instantly reminded that He is good whether life is good or not.

Sing to the Lord a new song;
    sing to the Lord, all the earth.
Sing to the Lord, praise his name;
    proclaim his salvation day after day.
Declare his glory among the nations,
    his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

Psalm 96:1-3