Enough

My grace is sufficient for you.  2 Corinthians 12:9

As a Momma of two little ones, I often wonder why a simple task like getting out of bed in the morning can be so stinkin' hard.  This morning I deviated from what I know works for me.  This morning my day began without coffee, without prayer, and without Jesus.  If I ever question whether the time I spend with Him each day counts for anything, the events of this morning cleared up all those uncertainties.

My daily routine involves drinking a full cup of strong coffee (preferably before the kids get up so that it is still hot) and spending some time with Jesus.  This is not because I am holy or disciplined or a good person;  it is because my life is a complete mess without Him and I have come to that place in my life where I realize my total dependence on Him.  In the past, my time with God was always about checking off a box on a long list of things that I told myself I should do.  It was empty to say the least.

Several years ago, God gently took my life and dumped it upside down and made me very aware of the fact that He alone is in control of my life.  At first, I fought it with everything in me, but what I experienced in the middle of the most heart-breaking season of my life was absolute freedom.  I was hurting, no doubt, but I trusted that God would take all that pain and use it somehow.  The realization that I was not in control and that God's plan was entirely different from mine brought me a strange sense of peace.  It made absolutely no sense to me, but I started to want to know more about what His plan for my life involved, because surely it was better than the draft I’d written up. Part of that involved making time each day for Him.  

I won't tell you that I never miss a day...because I do.  Stuff happens.  Just like everybody else, I live a crazy life.  I've had to get real creative with what that time looks like since two little people joined our family two and a half years ago.  But, it is a precious time to me, and every now and then (like today) God reminds me of why I so desperately need it.

For the past couple of weeks, Jake has been getting up when it’s still dark, thanks to daylight-savings.  This morning, he slept in…. until 6:00.  So I took advantage of the extra sleep and stayed in bed, too.  When both kids woke up, we did the usual get-dressed-brush-teeth stuff and then headed downstairs for breakfast.  Somewhere in between making lunches for school and getting breakfast going, I snapped.  I yelled.  Loudly.  There were tears.  Lots and lots of tears… not mine.   

I know what you are thinking…. especially if you are a mom.  Maybe I got your attention.  Perhaps you’re settling in, getting ready to read about what horrible antics my toddlers pulled on me, what catastrophe occurred, or what hilarious story I’m about to disclose.  Well, I’m afraid I have bad news.  I’m sitting here a few hours after my hectic morning, trying so badly to recall what happened, what set me off, what punishable behavior justified my outburst, and I've got nothing.

So where did I leave off?  Oh, yes, the yelling and the tears.  And then my husband entered the room.  He greeted me with: “Why are you yelling?”  To which I responded with: more yelling.  Am I the only one who wants to scream back even louder when someone (such as my sweet, rested husband) points out my apparent flawed attitude?  It got way worse before it got better.  I was ready to crawl back into bed by 7:00am!  

The worst part about my morning was that I knew I was wrong.  I knew I was overreacting.  I knew I did not want to be yelling at my family.  My anger at them turned to anger at myself.  Why is this so hard?  I'm really trying, I thought. And then, I recalled a message I heard yesterday; one that I need to be reminded of often.

It goes something like this:  I can never try hard enough to be patient enough, kind enough, good enough…without Jesus.  I can make up my mind to try to have patience and gentleness every single day and it still won’t be enough…unless I rely on Jesus.  I will continue to end up in this place of guilt and defeat over and over and over again…unless I allow His grace to work in my life. 

Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”  Grace is a gift that I’ve already been given.  I cannot earn it.  I cannot work to get it.  When I try on my own without Jesus... to be patient and not scream at my kids, to love my husband and not resent him for the extra hour of sleep he got, to keep this family afloat during a crazy holiday season,... I end up in the same place I was yesterday.  The Bible says that God has everything I need, and I know He wants to teach me through His Son, Jesus.  Through who He is.  Through what His Word says about the life He lived.  By spending time with Him, I get a better idea of how He can help me approach my hectic day.

Without my dependence on Jesus daily, it just becomes this never-ending list of things I’m striving for… on my own.  And every time I attempt to go that route, I look up and I’m somewhere I don’t want to be.  In the middle of screaming at my entire family this morning, I got a sweet text from a friend, commenting on another post I had written on this blog.  She told me she thought I was such a patient mom.  When I read her sweet words, meant to encourage me, I realized that God, in His great sense of humor, had used those words to remind me that I am nothing without Jesus.  I am not patient.  I am not kind.  I am not peaceful.  Only when I go deeper into my understanding of who He is am I even able to grasp what it means to live like He did.  As I drove my kids to school, I wondered how I let my morning get so far out of control, and then I remembered this verse:  My grace is sufficient for you.  2 Corinthians 12:9

Thank you, Jesus, for your grace. Thank you that no matter how badly I mess up, your grace is always enough.  Thank you that I have been freed from the burden of striving to be good enough.   Please help me to accept your grace and extend grace to others, including my family.  Without you I am nothing.  Thank you for showing me what a difference you make in my everyday life.  Thank you for reminding me how ugly it can be when I lose sight of you.  Amen.