All of Me

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

From my journal on August 4, 2009:

I’ve taken time this summer to explore what it means to “Delight in the Lord.” An incredible truth that has stuck with me is that God wants to be the desire of my heart. He is the Only One who can make me truly happy. I would love to have children, and I believe with everything in me that He will bless us with a family one day, but I have discovered that He can become my joy, my delight. I have also realized that I have been looking to people… whether family or friends… to be my support through this journey. While they have been a steady source of encouragement and wisdom to both Cody and me, they cannot be My Jesus. He alone takes joy in being the Only One who can pick me up after I fall, dust me off, and place my feet right back on the path that He wants me to follow.

Background: We lost our second child a couple months before I wrote this entry. To some, a miscarriage is something that just happens. It’s really not all that uncommon. But to me, it was the loss of two children I will not ever get a chance to meet… not on this Earth anyway. I miscarried in February and then again in May. Many people knew about the first loss, but when it happened again, we chose not to tell even our closest friends. It was too hard to talk about and most people didn’t know what to say to us anyway. It was devastating and came after years of waiting to conceive. It was a very hard, lonely, soul-searching summer, but I know God wanted to show me His promises in this verse. In the past I thought it meant that if I follow the Lord that He will just give me everything I want… when I want it, according to my plan. For years, I asked God why He was not allowing my plan to unfold. It was a good plan. I had thought it through. Every last detail of it. And then this.

Waiting.

More waiting.

Loss.

More loss.

I was so confused and hurt and angry. So angry. Until God lifted my face and showed me, through this amazing verse, a tiny glimpse of who He really is. He is Joy. He is a loving Father who understands my hurt, even though he allows it. He is the Ultimate Planner. I began to cling to His promise in Jeremiah 11:29. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ” I slowly started to grasp that His plan is so much greater than mine. He began to be enough for me. I wanted children with every ounce of my being, but over time, I understood that a child could not be the source of my joy. Nothing could but Jesus.

This verse is now making its way into my heart again and it’s almost like I am rediscovering a new element that’s been hidden in there all along. The second half: “He will give you the desires of your heart” is starting to have new meaning in my life. I think it must mean that He changes the desires of my heart. What I once sought after is not as important to me anymore. The longer I spend getting to know Him, the more my desires change... into His desires. His will, not mine. His plan, not mine. That may seem incredibly simple, but for me there is so much power in this one little verse.

I am so glad that God is patient with me. I am so thankful that He waits and waits and waits for me to “get it.” I think it’s extremely ironic, looking back, that three months after writing that journal entry, I wrote this one.

From my journal on November 30, 2009:

God is amazing! Our prayers have been answered in the most incredible way! Today we saw the flicker of not just one heart beat, but two! TWINS!! I cannot express in words the gratitude that is in my heart. I only know that this is what God must have been saving for us… and what a wonderful blessing! While it feels that this is an appropriate place to end this journal and begin a new one, I know that the waiting is not over. We have only entered into a new chapter of our lives. Looking back over the past few years, I can honestly say that to see the proof of those two precious blessings on that screen today made everything worth it. I’d do it all over again. In a heart beat.

Maybe this was what He was waiting for all along. For me to get it. And for Him to get all of me.