All of Me

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

From my journal on August 4, 2009:

I’ve taken time this summer to explore what it means to “Delight in the Lord.” An incredible truth that has stuck with me is that God wants to be the desire of my heart. He is the Only One who can make me truly happy. I would love to have children, and I believe with everything in me that He will bless us with a family one day, but I have discovered that He can become my joy, my delight. I have also realized that I have been looking to people… whether family or friends… to be my support through this journey. While they have been a steady source of encouragement and wisdom to both Cody and me, they cannot be My Jesus. He alone takes joy in being the Only One who can pick me up after I fall, dust me off, and place my feet right back on the path that He wants me to follow.

Background: We lost our second child a couple months before I wrote this entry. To some, a miscarriage is something that just happens. It’s really not all that uncommon. But to me, it was the loss of two children I will not ever get a chance to meet… not on this Earth anyway. I miscarried in February and then again in May. Many people knew about the first loss, but when it happened again, we chose not to tell even our closest friends. It was too hard to talk about and most people didn’t know what to say to us anyway. It was devastating and came after years of waiting to conceive. It was a very hard, lonely, soul-searching summer, but I know God wanted to show me His promises in this verse. In the past I thought it meant that if I follow the Lord that He will just give me everything I want… when I want it, according to my plan. For years, I asked God why He was not allowing my plan to unfold. It was a good plan. I had thought it through. Every last detail of it. And then this.

Waiting.

More waiting.

Loss.

More loss.

I was so confused and hurt and angry. So angry. Until God lifted my face and showed me, through this amazing verse, a tiny glimpse of who He really is. He is Joy. He is a loving Father who understands my hurt, even though he allows it. He is the Ultimate Planner. I began to cling to His promise in Jeremiah 11:29. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ” I slowly started to grasp that His plan is so much greater than mine. He began to be enough for me. I wanted children with every ounce of my being, but over time, I understood that a child could not be the source of my joy. Nothing could but Jesus.

This verse is now making its way into my heart again and it’s almost like I am rediscovering a new element that’s been hidden in there all along. The second half: “He will give you the desires of your heart” is starting to have new meaning in my life. I think it must mean that He changes the desires of my heart. What I once sought after is not as important to me anymore. The longer I spend getting to know Him, the more my desires change... into His desires. His will, not mine. His plan, not mine. That may seem incredibly simple, but for me there is so much power in this one little verse.

I am so glad that God is patient with me. I am so thankful that He waits and waits and waits for me to “get it.” I think it’s extremely ironic, looking back, that three months after writing that journal entry, I wrote this one.

From my journal on November 30, 2009:

God is amazing! Our prayers have been answered in the most incredible way! Today we saw the flicker of not just one heart beat, but two! TWINS!! I cannot express in words the gratitude that is in my heart. I only know that this is what God must have been saving for us… and what a wonderful blessing! While it feels that this is an appropriate place to end this journal and begin a new one, I know that the waiting is not over. We have only entered into a new chapter of our lives. Looking back over the past few years, I can honestly say that to see the proof of those two precious blessings on that screen today made everything worth it. I’d do it all over again. In a heart beat.

Maybe this was what He was waiting for all along. For me to get it. And for Him to get all of me.

In the Time-Out Trenches

God made both of my kids exactly the way they are for a reason. He created them, in His image, for His plans and purposes. He gave them each unique gifts and distinct personalities. I repeat: distinct personalities. These two very present personalities, that often don’t jive simultaneously, have been the cause of much stress for me this week. At the brink of my demise, I sent this text to a friend: I’m gunna go insane. I am one time-out away from the looney bin!

I will be honest. I’ve cried. I’ve asked God for patience…. like every hour. I’d be lying if I said my evenings this week did not end with two glasses of wine and a big bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce. I have seen sibling rivalry at its ugliest. I have questioned whether I am winning or losing this “Battle of the Wills.” I have listened to screaming and crying. I’ve witnessed hair pulling, pushing, and hitting. I'm pretty sure we've set a time-out record.

You name it, my kids have fought over it this week. The green crayon. The rocking horse. Mommy’s lap. The bubble blower, also known as Tomater. The same car (even though we have two that are exactly the same).

Then, I witness this:

And this:

The first photo was Tuesday afternoon. I put on a DVD so that I could attempt to reclaim my sanity after a very long and very loud afternoon. I guess they decided to share a chair. Not sure why that same “sharing attitude” was not discovered earlier in the day.

The second was yesterday afternoon. One of Jake and Lilly’s favorite toys to play with together is the little red wagon. I love it and hate it. Some days it unites them, some days it divides them. On this particular day, it managed to hold them … together.

I was reminded today that all of my kids' gifts and individual qualities are precious in God's sight. Things like a strong will, a serious determination, a free spirit, a sense of humor, patient affection, a sensitive spirit, unwavering courage, a wild imagination, a fierce heart, logical reasoning, and a distinct passion that has yet to develop in each of their lives. This is the stuff God gave to them. For a reason. For a purpose. For His glory.

Although I often lose sight of this, my job is to teach my kids how to use the unique gifts God has given them in a way that will bring Him glory. It seems so simple, but such a hard truth for me to grasp when I’m in the “time-out trenches!"

The "Perfect" Day

Yesterday Cody took the day off, so we spent the morning talking to the animals at the zoo. I really had high hopes for this “day of fun” that we had planned all week. Not even the forecast of scattered showers was going to take away from our family affair. After checking the weather upon waking, we decided that we would take a chance and try to cram it all in before nap-time when most of the rain was due to come our way. We chose wisely. As soon as we got back in the car to head home, the rain began to fall. You would think that we would have been celebrating this victory over the weather conditions but, no. We did not. We were too busy arguing over what could have possibly gotten into Jake to cause him to scream throughout the entire zoo.

"He was hungry."

"He wanted to walk."

"He was tired."

"He was thirsty."

We are still undecided on the true cause of his breakdown. Animals were going into hiding, scared of the shrill sounds leaving his lips. At one point, after he decided he was not happy about riding in the stroller, being carried by Daddy or walking on his own, he plopped himself down on the ground in the middle of what Cody and I did not recognize as a muddy puddle. I am laughing as I write about this little detail now, but let me assure you that neither of us was laughing then.

On our last adventure to the zoo (back in December) Lilly was the vocal one, screaming and throwing an embarrassing temper tantrum when we had to exit the carousel, and again when she had to ride in the stroller back to the parking lot. When I remember how Jake behaved that day, I can almost promise you that he had a shiny halo above his head. He was the perfect little gentleman. Well, as if both kids read my post last month about taking turns, that little gentleman was nowhere to be found yesterday. Lilly was the polite onlooker, smiling and waving at all the animals, totally oblivious to her brother’s antics. (I guess she asked to borrow the halo for the day.) So while we may have had our triumph over the rainclouds, we have come to the conclusion that we have absolutely no control over two little personalities that on any given day may choose between “sweet angel” or “holy terror.”

As I look through these pictures, which were taken prior to Jake’s plummet into unhappiness, it seems as if this was the “perfect day” we had planned all along. I wonder if, years from now, we’ll look at these pictures and remember the disagreement we had upon leaving or the excitement we all felt about getting so close to the giraffes. I wonder if we will think about the silence we chose on the ride home or the giggles we heard at the sight of every animal our kids recognized.

I’m not sure why we as parents have to keep reminding ourselves that we are on the same team. I will never understand why we turn on each other when one or both kids act out and ruin our plan for “the perfect family outing.” I have given up trying to be “the perfect family.” I am unclear if that even exists. I don’t think it does. Perfection is way overrated, if you ask me. I am comfortable saying that we are not “the perfect family,” even though every one of these pictures tells a different story. Without the true version, it might seem as if everybody was happy and joyful the entire time. It might seem as if each of us was just bursting with love for each other and that patience never ran out. As much as these pictures boast of our family fun, I will admit that we did not have “the perfect zoo day.” And that’s OK. We have each other, with all our faults and unpleasant moods, and I’d choose that any day over perfection.

Lilly tried her hardest to get the attention of this long-necked friend.

Jake's happy squeals did the trick. He either frightened or surprised this same giraffe... we're not completely sure. The giraffe nodded his head in Jake's direction before turning and walking away.

Both kids loved seeing this elephant up close and personal. Their favorite song these days is "Elephants Have Wrinkles." As soon as we start to sing it, they start waving their trunks in the air!

Next to the carousel, the Children's Zoo is Jake and Lilly's favorite spot in the entire zoo. With brushes in hand, they set out to make some new friends.

Why did we bring a stroller, again? I'm pretty sure it was empty 90% of the time we were there.

Jake exchanged words with this quiet but wise gorilla.

Don't ask me why, but both of my children are fascinated by birds. They still refer to most of them as ducks, but who cares?!

We were all really happy this Komodo Dragon was behind the glass...

...all of us but Lilly. If given the chance, she would have bent down and given him a kiss, I'm certain of it.

Going to the zoo with these two is like rediscovering these animals for the first time. Watching each of them notice a tiger, then make a "roooooooaaaaaar" sound with all their might never gets old.

A Day at the Park

Jake and Lilly love going to the park. What could be better than feeding hungry ducks, zipping down the slide, swinging back and forth, or (for Lilly) riding every single dinosaur, airplane, bumble bee, and frog? Noni and Poppy visited this past weekend, so we took advantage of the beautiful weather and spent the morning at the park.

It’s rare that Jake and Lilly are both drawn to the same piece of playground equipment, but the slide really captivated their attention that day. (Usually, the two of them take off in opposite directions, never to meet up until it’s time to get back in the car again.) Jake was content to run up the ramp with Daddy, and Lilly took to the stairs, climbing up one by one until she got to the top where Poppy was waiting.