Just a Phase

I have discovered that when you have twins, people are fascinated with how they measure up to each other. Which one was born first? Which one is taller? Who weighs more? Who is more talkative? Which one walked first? Who is the leader? (This one is always hard for me, because it really depends on the circumstance. My dear husband’s answer to this question has always been, “Oh that’s easy…. It changes about every three months!”) Evidently, people love to compare them. Our families do an awesome job of treating each as an individual, instead of referring to them as just “the twins.” They understand that they are two very different people, and they treat them as such. It never ceases to amaze me, though, how people that I’ve never met in my life are completely fascinated by two siblings who happen to share the same birthday. When Jake and Lilly were eight months old, a sweet lady in Costco walked up to us and asked my husband, “So which one is the more pragmatic of the two?” Seriously?!?! Pragmatic? Cody admitted to me that he was unclear of what she meant, but instead of looking like he had no clue what she was talking about, he just paused a couple seconds like he was really mulling it over in his mind, then matter-of-factly replied, “I’d have to say that Jake is more pragmatic.” This friendly stranger responded, “That’s just as I suspected.” Alrighty!!

As much as Cody and I try to honor each child’s individuality, it is inevitable that Jake and Lilly will continue through life being compared to one another. By us and by others. It’s difficult not to compare their physical developments when they have their annual well visits at the doctor’s office together. It’s hard not to compare their personalities when they are complete opposites in this category. I realize that some of their differences can be attributed to the boy/girl thing, but I’d have to say that they are a true peanut butter and jelly pair… different in every way, but perfect together. Thank goodness, too. I’d be in huge trouble if they were exactly alike in every aspect. Usually, (and I tip-toe carefully here,) I am only confronted with one cranky child or one temper-tantrum on the cracker aisle in the grocery store. It’s not that one child is always challenging and the other one is never challenging. It's just that they have perfected the act of taking turns. It’s as if they have this understanding that they better alternate being the “demanding child.” Sometimes, I can see their unspoken agreement in their sweet, innocent eyes, and I swear I hear them saying to each other, “Take it easy on her. Mom’s about to lose it. You have your melt down now, and I’ll save mine for later.” It’s really a case of tag-teaming at its finest.

This goes for just about any stage, illness, bad habit, or unpleasant mood. When Jake’s teeth were coming in and he had trouble sleeping, Lilly slept fine. When Jake’s teeth finally came in and he started sleeping better, Lilly started getting her teeth, and quit sleeping altogether. Right when one gets over a cold, the other starts showing symptoms. Then there are those phases that only affect one child, thank the Lord. Like Jake’s “picky eater syndrome.” (No, that’s not a real condition, but it should be for as much stress as it has created in our house.) Or Lilly’s occasional decision to skip her nap because she’s determined that it’s not necessary for her well being.

Our most recent phase that I cannot wait to outgrow is that of hitting. Before their first birthday, Lilly was known as the “aggressive one,” and Jake earned the title “laid back one.” If Lilly wanted the toy that Jake was playing with, she’d crawl over to where he was, and just pluck it right out of his hands. His usual response to this act of theft was to crawl over to another toy and happily resume his playtime. Eighteen months has brought on an entirely new way of thinking. As Jake and Lilly both go through their day trying to stake their claim on any given toy, hitting now occurs. Jake is the sole culprit, at least he was until a couple days ago. I have read every parenting article available on this topic, desperate to arm myself with the knowledge and skills to teach my sweet little boy that it is never OK to whack his sister in the back of the head causing her to fall down in a sobbing puddle on the ground. I won’t even get into what he does to her hair! Let me just say that I’m quite certain that the hair on the top of her head grows at least an inch daily thanks to his ruthless tugs.

This week, Little Miss Lilly decided she has had enough of her brother’s hitting, pushing, and tugging. She has officially made the first move in reclaiming her title. I have been waiting for the last couple of months to see if she will retaliate after her brother smacks her, but up until this week she has remained passive. Who knows what clicked inside her head the other morning, but she hit him right in the head! Both of them were listening to their music and shaking their instruments along with the beat. Right in the middle of “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart….” She hauled off and beat him… with a drum stick! I have to admit that for about two seconds all I felt was pride that my little girl was standing up for herself. But then the reality of this new predicament came crashing down, ruining my little moment. Now, I am in search of some parenting plan that will help me tackle two toddlers knee deep in the “hitting phase,” God help me.

I can hear my sweet mother-in-law saying to me, “This, too, shall pass.” She has encouraged me with this statement for years. As we have entered into toddlerhood, I have come to realize and reluctantly accept that these phases… the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly… are exactly that: phases. And these phases, too, shall pass.